Friday, October 3, 2008

Washington Car Wash Ban: The Future!

Recently, the state of Washington banned people washing cars in their driveways, a step they consider vital in protecting the environment. I sat down with Tim Green of the Washington state Department of Ecology to talk about the future of ecological regulations in Washington.

“Tim, how do you intend to help residents learn about the ban?”

“Well, we’re going to start an advertising campaign featuring noted ecologist Dumpster Muffin.”

“I’m sorry?”

“The Berkeley tree sitter. We’re going to put her on billboards and stuff with catchy phrases like ‘Your car washing runoff is a crime against Nature.’”

“I’m sure that will help. What are your plans for the future?”

“Next up we’ll be going after the biggest offender in causing runoff pollution. You see, washing cars is bad, but much more detritus, brake dust, paint chips, oil and so forth are washed from streets when it rains. We’re going to fine the crap out of Mother Nature.”

“I thought you were trying to protect her.”

“We’re trying to establish a relationship with Mother Nature that more closely resembles government interaction with taxpayers. We’d like to protect her against her will while taking as much of her money as possible.”

“I see. Do you have any other big plans to protect our waterways?”

Taking off the helmet he uses to protect his incredibly decalcified skull, Tim responds unflinchingly, “We’re going to ban going potty.”

“That’s ambitious.”

“True, but waste water treatment isn’t perfect, so there’s a lot of material released into rivers that just shouldn’t be. Also, we can save a lot of trees if nobody’s using bathroom tissue.”

“The logic is undeniable. Thanks so much for your time.”

Mother Nature could not be contacted for comment. Close friends say that she spends a lot of time rolling on the floor laughing since the global cooling scare of the 70s. They also mentioned she finds it incredibly ironic that after she's spent several millennia trying to weed out the weak and stupid among all species, we humans have chosen to elect ours to public office.

Mr. Clean and Turtlewax, makers of popular home car washing products, are suing Washington state Department of Ecology for infringement of their 1st Amendment rights of expression with regard to their feelings about car cleanliness. Car wash franchises, rumored to have been lobbying for this ban, are quietly donating to the Department of Ecology’s defense fund.

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